“I am not a victim. This was not my fault. He cannot hurt me anymore. He will never take anything from me again. I am more than my struggle. I am not a label. I have rights. I will not refuse help. I am not someone who quits. I am more than a sexual assault victim. I am a leader. I am a mentor. I am a sister. I am a friend. I AM more than my struggles. I will forgive. I am not a victim. I am an overcomer.”
There was a time when these words above would never have been uttered out of my mouth. I would hear people use them, but certainly they did not apply to me. How could they define me? They would change their mind when they hear what I have been hiding, what I can’t seem to forget. There was a time when I could not wake up or do any of the tasks of the day without insecurity and doubt playing over and over in my head, “I cannot do this… I will fail at this…. this is too hard….”
Mental illness is real. The stigma is real. The hope that exists in living with mental illness is real.
Mental illness is a term that has personally been in the past associated with weakness, judgement, confusion, blame, and pain. It had not been a term that brought anything positive, and to be honest it still doesn’t to this day. It took until my last year of university to come to terms with the fact that I have struggled with mental illness. It does not make me weak or diseased. It means that I have faced my problems head on and have consequently, needed time to heal and recover from my wounds that trauma left behind. It was a label to describe me that was often given by counsellors, teachers, and by my peers. It was my identity for a time. It is now a term in which I see my humanity. I see other people who suffer from mental illness as strong not weak. It takes great strength to live with mental illness. To work through the adversity in life and not give up while facing mental illness takes incredible inner strength, one that I believe goes beyond human understanding for some. Let me explain.
In the beginning, I struggled to hold a secret inside that I believed when unearthed, it would shatter people’s perspective of me. The secret was the fact that I was sexually assaulted and that I was suffering from depression (a common mental illness), and from intense self-hatred (result of the assault). I was broken. I tried tirelessly to not let anyone see it. Struggling to wake up every day and keep pushing through the day’s activities was not my only difficulty. I struggled to deal with the feeling of being weak if I sought help. What would happen if I spoke up? How would people think of me afterwards? These were just a few of the real questions that I struggled with when first approaching the struggle to speak up. The day to day realities were not as difficult to deal with in comparison to the amount of effort it took to hide and pretend that I was not struggling. To struggle is often in society seen as being weak by those who are ignorant. Therefore, I would not dare let people see me as such. Shame was my lonely friend for a time. Until one day, I heard the message of grace being taught in church and my whole life slowly started to be transformed. It was a slow process. I slowly had to begin to strip away the ugly in order to put on the new. I eventually began to let go of the shame and insecurity and release the bitterness that lied deep within my heart. I was able to forgive and move forward with my life. The undeserving favor of God found me and set me free from all that was keeping me bound. I was no longer a victim bound by the shame that held me captive in my mind. I was a child of God who was loved unconditionally. This meant I could be an overcomer, someone who can overcome any obstacle through the help of a God who overcame death. If you do not believe in God, just know that I do not judge or force my belief. I only state that it is my relationship with God that I believe brought me through the darkness of the depression and helped me see the light of the person I could be by his transforming grace.
I no longer see myself as victim. I can sleep at night without reoccurring nightmares. I rarely experience panic attacks that stem from the memories of that night. With hard work, love and support, I have been healing and I can honestly say that it does not impact my day to day life like it used to. It will always profoundly have an impact, but it no longer is a part of my identity. It does not keep me bound. It is in the past. I experienced freedom from the blame and self-hatred. I am a voice for many who like me have been taken advantage of and left to suffer in silence. I hope my story brings hope and breaks the silence. The truth is God’s love can transform one’s broken life into one of beauty. I am a living testimony of his transforming work.
In conclusion, I will say that living with mental illness and dealing with the stigma behind it has been difficult. However, I have made tremendous progress. With thanks to God, my family and a great support system I can proudly say that I am maintaining a balanced life with high academics, extra-curriculars, travel, and volunteer work as well as balancing mentoring and other hobbies of mine. I have overcome many obstacles, but I truly hope that my narrative showcases not only strength, but also hope. There is hope in living with mental illness and overcoming struggle. Looking back, I can honestly say that I never thought it would be possible to come so far. I will end with this quote, “Mental health is not a destination but a process. It’s about how you drive, not where you are going (Noam Shpancer).” I have seen this to be true for it is a process to live with mental illness and overcome its obstacles but the reward of every step of victory is worth every dragging step forward. I am an overcomer and I will continue to overcome. That is who I am now. This is part of my story.
Working through the everyday 