No Longer Bound

I am sitting here contemplating tomorrow’s lecture on Sexual abuse in my Child and Youth Family Violence class, understanding that disturbing details and a clear depiction will be shown. The topic of sexual abuse, at one point in my life, would have kept me completely paralyzed as I would have to try hard not to recall any memories of the incidents. I would have hid my face and cried silently alone. Thankfully, today I can say that I am not afraid to face tomorrow. This is because I see myself as a conqueror, not a victim.

Sexual abuse is not a topic that gets applause. The reality is that there are many perpetrators of sexual abuse. This makes my stomach churn. The innocence that has been plucked from many children’s lives is absolutely unacceptable. It truly causes a righteous anger inside my soul to brew against the wickedness that lies within people. Some days it is hard to know that I can live free where other people, who are being sexually abused, are living with a huge secret.

I remember a time when I was coming into adulthood where my purity, and my body was violated. The violation can only be described as a personal betrayal that shook my core, broke me to the place where I needed Christ to save me from the darkness within me. I would struggle to not self-harm. I never had the courage to actually go through with it, but I remember vividly, inside I was self-destructing. I could no longer look at myself. I saw myself as vile, not significant to anyone. As I recall, the emotions that I felt all through that season in my life were stormy but genuine. I was in crisis. I needed someone. Anyone. I had a secret. However, even what was done in hiding could not be hidden from the one who knows all. Someone knew…

Jesus Christ knew and He came to my rescue and I owe him my life. He took my self-hatred, and my self-abuse, and over time he transformed my life. He was taking every piece and using every bit of the ugliness to inspire others to speak out. Sexual abuse is unimaginable to those who have not experienced it. Truth is even those who weren’t assaulted or taken advantage of understand the implications of sexual abuse. It affects so much more than just one’s body. It can act like a stronghold. You feel as though you are chained to the identity of an abuse victim and can never escape it.

Truth is I know now that I never have to be weighted down because of the abuse I endured. Christ took my chains and He broke them. I am not bound to my past and to what happened to me. I am grateful. I am a new, vibrant young woman who is strong and living my life in boldness. Because of God’s love for me, my past and the sexual abuse is a testimony not a tragedy. I can live each day knowing that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

Tomorrow’s class content will be hard to swallow. It is a cruel reality that I must be prepared for as I enter into the field of Child and Youth Work. However, I carry a hope with me. My personal story can hopefully inspire others to not be bound by the chains of shame and brokenness that come from being at the end of sexual abuse. I pray that as I live my life, people around me see that despite my struggles, I am not held back by them. I will boldly proclaim that Christ has liberated me from the world’s cruel, twisted schemes. I am free. I am loved. I am no longer bound.

C.M.