Murky Battlefront

Throughout my early teenage years, I used to take a walk through a shortcut by the railroad tracks in order to get to the Public Library and Tim Hortons in a timely manner. On a gloomy day, the entrance would appear ominous and spooky. The trees would all be lined up almost as if they were guarding the passage. As soon as you would enter the dense forest, your feet would sink into the  charcoal soil and the insects would start to give their greetings. As you went deeper through the trail you’d notice the scarcity  amid the forest and the possible animal homes that existed within the bushes and along the creek. It used to give me a chill walking through there close to dark. You’d hear the coyotes in the distance and see the groups of teens milling around within the trees. Drug use and other activities were known to happen in the darkest parts of the forest. It was a setting where I always felt people came to numb their pain. The passageway was always keeping secrets.  I didn’t ever dare stay long enough to see them revealed.

Lately, I’d describe the battlefield of my mind to be similar to that of the passageway  that is all too familiar. The battle in this season has been located in a rather ominous setting. Anxious thoughts try to enclose me like a dense circle of brooding trees. Nostalgic thoughts come and go like the insects that would nibble on any uncovered flesh, disappearing after their fill. The doubtful ones creep themselves into any open gaps along the creek burying themselves into the dark crevices. Thoughts of faith and hope are present, but sometimes they are shrouded among the gloom. It is a murky battlefront and the cost of battle has been taking its toll. Emotions, despite being numerous, fail to see their way through the passage. When one thought of faith battles one thought of doubt it is clear there are many more thoughts of doubt to take the defeated one’s place.

The battle is not a battle of flesh but of Spirit according to the bible.

Ephesians 6:12 ESV

For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places.

It can be daunting to face day in and day out. It is not for the faint of heart. Thankfully we are not alone. I have seen the attacks of the enemy come against me as of late. Truth is I have had to really think about what I am thinking about. I have had more thoughts that are rooted in misery, self doubt, and fear try to come in and attack my mind. I have had thoughts of hope, love, joy and peace too, but they have been few and far in between. I can admit that it has been exhausting to be in this mental battle. Family and friends have been keeping me in prayer and trying to encourage me to stand on God’s truth.

The passageway used to be a place I’d wander on purpose just to save time. I never enjoyed being there, yet I never let the fear or creepiness of it keep me away. The rulers of darkness are real and they are always trying to destroy us. To be ignorant or to not believe in evil is naif and only causes their attack to be more powerful. I’ve been on my guard and even still I have been faced with numerous attacks in my mind and in my circumstances. The only weapons I have found against these attacks are prayer and taking every thought captive.

2 Corinthians 10:5 ESV

We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ

It is work to filter out our thoughts and to think of thoughts that are worthy, true, honorable, just, lovely and worthy of praise. This is what God gives to us as an instruction to battle anxiety, and worry.

Philippians 4:6-8ESV

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.

Peace comes when we let go and come to God in prayer. Then he gives us peace to guard our hearts and minds amid the battle.

Though my murky battlefront is real and it is intimidating at times, I can stand on God’s truth and choose to not let the gloom and doom of my mind take control. The reality is that the battle is continuous. It is a constant choice to think pure and positive thoughts rather than focusing on the negative ones that fire at us from all sides. However, it is not a battle we have to fight alone. I am thankful for everyone in my life that remind me that I am surrounded by love and that in prayer we can unite and stand against the attacks together. My thoughts and emotions can be fickle and they can be deceiving. I’ve seen that the start of my year has been a constant battle waging in my mind and I am sure many of you reading this can relate to feeling attacked by anxiety, depression or what life has thrown at you lately. Hold fast. Help is on the way. God sees you and hears your cries.

David in the bible is someone we can relate to. He struggled with fighting darkness too. He had to choose to focus on thoughts of the Lord and not on the war itself. He focused on the victor and spent less time being the victim.

Psalm 27:1-14ESV

Of David. The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life; of whom shall I be afraid? When evildoers assail me to eat up my flesh, my adversaries and foes, it is they who stumble and fall. Though an army encamp against me, my heart shall not fear; though war arise against me, yet I will be confident. One thing have I asked of the Lord, that will I seek after: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord and to inquire in his temple. For he will hide me in his shelter in the day of trouble; he will conceal me under the cover of his tent; he will lift me high upon a rock. …

I wrote this out of a deep desperation to remind myself and anyone reading this that the battle is real. I have not been strong this whole time. In fact, I have had many nights and days of warfare and exhaustion. I am finding strength in my faith in Christ. I cannot imagine fighting this battle alone. It has been a daily choice to seek Him and to hold fast and to intentionally filter out my thoughts. I am thankful for a relationship with a God who never gives up on me. I’ve needed him every step of this journey. I know the battle is not over but I know I am not stranded and left weaponless. Pray and believe and trust that God is good and He is victorious. No matter where your battlefront is know He will meet you where you are and He will not let you fail!

 

No Longer Bound

I am sitting here contemplating tomorrow’s lecture on Sexual abuse in my Child and Youth Family Violence class, understanding that disturbing details and a clear depiction will be shown. The topic of sexual abuse, at one point in my life, would have kept me completely paralyzed as I would have to try hard not to recall any memories of the incidents. I would have hid my face and cried silently alone. Thankfully, today I can say that I am not afraid to face tomorrow. This is because I see myself as a conqueror, not a victim.

Sexual abuse is not a topic that gets applause. The reality is that there are many perpetrators of sexual abuse. This makes my stomach churn. The innocence that has been plucked from many children’s lives is absolutely unacceptable. It truly causes a righteous anger inside my soul to brew against the wickedness that lies within people. Some days it is hard to know that I can live free where other people, who are being sexually abused, are living with a huge secret.

I remember a time when I was coming into adulthood where my purity, and my body was violated. The violation can only be described as a personal betrayal that shook my core, broke me to the place where I needed Christ to save me from the darkness within me. I would struggle to not self-harm. I never had the courage to actually go through with it, but I remember vividly, inside I was self-destructing. I could no longer look at myself. I saw myself as vile, not significant to anyone. As I recall, the emotions that I felt all through that season in my life were stormy but genuine. I was in crisis. I needed someone. Anyone. I had a secret. However, even what was done in hiding could not be hidden from the one who knows all. Someone knew…

Jesus Christ knew and He came to my rescue and I owe him my life. He took my self-hatred, and my self-abuse, and over time he transformed my life. He was taking every piece and using every bit of the ugliness to inspire others to speak out. Sexual abuse is unimaginable to those who have not experienced it. Truth is even those who weren’t assaulted or taken advantage of understand the implications of sexual abuse. It affects so much more than just one’s body. It can act like a stronghold. You feel as though you are chained to the identity of an abuse victim and can never escape it.

Truth is I know now that I never have to be weighted down because of the abuse I endured. Christ took my chains and He broke them. I am not bound to my past and to what happened to me. I am grateful. I am a new, vibrant young woman who is strong and living my life in boldness. Because of God’s love for me, my past and the sexual abuse is a testimony not a tragedy. I can live each day knowing that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

Tomorrow’s class content will be hard to swallow. It is a cruel reality that I must be prepared for as I enter into the field of Child and Youth Work. However, I carry a hope with me. My personal story can hopefully inspire others to not be bound by the chains of shame and brokenness that come from being at the end of sexual abuse. I pray that as I live my life, people around me see that despite my struggles, I am not held back by them. I will boldly proclaim that Christ has liberated me from the world’s cruel, twisted schemes. I am free. I am loved. I am no longer bound.

C.M.